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I was a tennis coach for two years at my old high school.  The majority of the memories I have were awesome.  In fact, some of my students have grown up and I still stay in touch with them to reminisce about those years.  Some of the students I have tried to forget about — which is funny since I did actually forget a student  at a tennis club once forcing his parents to come get him.  First rule of coaching high school kids: do roll call on the bus.

Being a coach of any sport brings with it a new perspective on all sorts of things.  For instance, some parents are bat shit crazy.  They think their student is the next pro athlete even though they can’t tie their shoes.  Also, some coaches on opposing teams take high school sports way too seriously.  It’s fucking high school tennis, people.  Not Wimbledon.  Settle down.  Finally–the most interesting thing–is how certain people take small things and blow them out of proportion.

Anyway, I was pleasantly surprised when I was given a letter the other day that brought back all these “pleasant” memories.  I won’t say who gave me the letter, and I have redacted actual names, but the letter is completely true.  I hope you find it as entertaining as I did.  Here goes, in its entirety.  The duplicate paragraph in the letter was not my mistake, but the original author’s:

Inappropriate Decorum Displayed at the Tennis Match Between ***** Tennis Team and ***** Girls Tennis Team

Date: September 9, 2010

Place: ***** High School

I am writing this in response to what my experience reflects to be improprer decorum by the ***** tennis coach, ***** during thematch we played on September 9, 2010.  I have a forty year history of tennis experiences with leagues, professional matches, and tournament play, and I have never witnessed such verbal and physical behavior as ***** exhibited.  The following is a list of behaviors that I found offensive and inappropriate with regard to the decorum expected of those who play and coach tennis:

1. ***** screamed at me in front of the players and the spectators that, “You better go tell your girl…she is making bad line calls.”  He continued in the same vein for at least a minute.  The tone of his voice was offensive and loud…not appropriate to the sport of tennis.

2. During the match, ***** went into the court and talked to his number one singles player; this is not allowed according to the ***** rules.  When I approached him about this, he once again yelled at me in a frenetic manner with wild gesticulation, “I’m allowed to coach my girls!”  This was repeated several times.

3. Although ***** did not go on the court again, he positioned himself during the matches outside of the fence, and was cheering his girls in a loud, boisterous tone to the point that my number 2 singles player called me over with tears in her eyes to plead with me to ask ***** to tone his “cheerleading chants” down so that she might concentrate on her game.  His vocalizations were clearly distractions for the ***** players.  When I asked him to please desist from this activity, he said to once again in a confrontational, loud tone audible to players and spectators, “Aren’t I allowed to coach my girls?  I’m not saying anything negative about your team.”

My response to this was, “In tennis there’s tennis etiquette, and you just don’t do that.  Can’t you see that you are upsetting my player?”  To this, ***** retorted, “Maybe that’s the way you played in the forties!”  How should I interpret this remark?  Is it a reference to my age?  Once again, very inappropriate tennis decorum and personally very rude to me.

When the second set was finished, my plaery came off the court sobbing, and said, “I am so upset…I have to compose myself.  I can’t take that coach.”  She finally went back on the court and proceeded to lose the third set by a score of 1-6 even though the first two sets were extremely close.(6-4;5-7)

4. When the second set was finished, my player came off the court sobbing, and said, “I am so upset…I have to compose myself.  I can’t take that coach.”  She finally went back on the court and proceeded to lose the third set by a score of 1-6 even though the first two sets were extremely close(6-4;5-7)

Although ***** saw that he was negatively affecting my players, he continued his cheerleading rants.  When the number 1 singles match was over and the first court was empty, a male relative of *****’s number one player started to yell across the courts to cheer on their number 2 player.  He stated that this is done in the USTA matches, so he could do it here.  What I find most disturbing is that *****, *****’s number one singles player, then started to cheer on her teammate across teh courts, after witnessing and knowing how upset the ***** player was.  This is terrible when a young player models the boorish behavior of those who should be role models.

About this time, one of the ***** parents went into the school and brought the AD, the Assistant Principal, and the ***** Security GUard.  When they arrived, ***** and company settled down and there were no more incidents.

I am requesting that when we play our match at *****, there will be a school administrator present and that no parents, players, or coaches be permitted to cheer on their team in such a boisterous manner.  Tennis is a learning experience for these girls, most of them are just starting to play the game.  I do not think it necessary for them to be bullied and upset by grown men.

*****

***** Girls Tennis Coach

Wow.  Chill out.